Black hole

So as of about 5 months ago life was fine, everyday was the same wake up go to work with the grandpa and come home. Then one day that all changed I was in charge grandpa was home sick with a cold "cold". Later that was diagnosed as leukemia. Then the sudden realization of your father figure having cancer as the only person in your life who has always been there and showed you how to be a man being bed ridden and ill, after seeing for 23 yrs day after day seeing him be the MAN of the house and the one everyone in the family loved and cares about. IT feels like I just got sucker punched in the gut cant catch my breath everything is happening so fast.

Trying to fill those shoes when Im no where near the man he is, the pressure the amount of stress, I now know why my grandpa had done the things he had done in his life it just makes our bond stronger. I see why alcohol was a release for him, from the pressure of the countless of people that were trying to suck him dry when he was doing well and him trying to compesate cause he is the nice one in the family, always making sure everyone is taken care of. What ever you need Don Tono will take of it and make sure you are welcomed and feel at home.

But what I have realized during this change in situation is that even though my grandpa has done so much for so many people during his life and during this time when the people he has employed given money too and always been a positive re-enforcement and been a so called "father figure" and other kind words those people are no where to be found. It just makes someone like myself realize when some one tells me that I am just like my grandfather i have to realize, yeah we are both very nice to the people we care about and we both enjoy having a drink or six but one thing i have learned is that sometimes when shit hits the fan the only people you can truly count on are the people that you have in your close circle everyone else will just fade away, cause you are no longer able to help them.

As my last words on this blog post I dont care, the old me is gone forever. The caring of what other people think is gone, the worrying if what I am doing is right is gone, I used to care what but what I have learned is that caring only leaves you open to looking like a fool. And I aint no fool. New me, new outlook. This may sound very "selfish" but sometimes in this thing called life we all have to be a little selfish.

The C word

You say I don't care enough, when I do care you say I care too much, so I just won't care.

As I lay here thinking of all that has happened I've realized that I am not perfect, not invincable. And I honestly feel ok with that, I don't want to be perfect what's the fun in that. I don't want to be invincable then I would never know what is like to live, feel joy, excitemet, pain. I gues what they say is right as you get older you start to realize things for what they truly are and not the materialistic things.

I haven't had the easiest life, but it also hasn't been the hardest life either. Yes my mom had me when she was 16 when she had me and I know most people where just hoping for me to follow in her footsteps, but even as a child I saw the strugles she had to go thru to make sure I was taken care of and in good health and I honestly knew I couldn't do half of what she did. My grandparents have put up with more of my shit than I think any granparents have ever experianced, but no matter what happens they are always there, we could have an arguement and then 3 min later be making jokes about each other, I always found it funny when I was younger people would say you are just like your grandpa. I thought it was because of how much we both drink hahaha but now I've started to see the same personality he has I will have when I'm older. I can't leave the old lady out we have the most back and forth love hate relationship and if you where to walk into one of our conversations you would think we hate each other, but it's the wierdest way that we show or love to each other and that we care. I may complain about doing house choirs now that I'm out of the house but I do them becaue I care.

My two wonderful aunts, if they just read that they probably think I want something. You two each have helped mold me into the person I am and on different occasions kept me from killing the grandparents, and I can always count on you ladies to be there for me with some sort of advice or just show that you care. My sisters, I love these two little girls dearly, and would do anything for them, it sucks we live in different states but they know I'm just a phone call away, and will be there for all the big events graduations, weddings etc. Big brother always here. My secound mother my madrina, well I honestly can never repay you for everything that you have done for me taken me in as your own I always know I have a bed and a plate of food (even if it's takeout) at your place, and I appreciate it.

Cousins I will say that everyone of you has had an important part in my life be it, hanging out, playing games, dancing, talking, everything when I know I need to just get a pick me up you guys are always there more like brothers and sisters than cousions but I wouldn't have it any other way. My friends I will say that I have surrounded myself with the best, good hearted and well meaning people I can think of, so many stories which each one and I'm glad you've put up with some of my crap " your born into a family, friends are the family you choose" I guess I got luck got a great group of family and friends that I know care for me and know I care for them.

So yea I do care because I have a great group of people that do care for me and I care for them.

Thanks for caring,
Gabe

critical mass

In life you think you know how something is going to go and then all
of a sudden you get fucking slapped in the face and gotta grit your
teeth and take it like a man but sometimes you just gotta pull back
and let loose, cause sometimes people need to hear it.

They need to hear it so that there protective bubble is just that a
bubble that can burst at any moment it's fragil and delicate and will
pop when any pressure is applied and they either form and bounce off
or they subcome to the force and pop and give up.

That moment is a pivotal point in a persons life when you finally get
the choice to choose who is on and who's out of your life (pop there
bubble) or decide who stays (forming and bouncing) I think I have
reached the point in my like were I have come to terms in my life it's
time to get rid of the dead weight.

So to people who I haven't talked to in a while it's for a reason! And
I realized is that I really could care fucking less what the hell
people think of me I'm going to be the real me and stop sugar coating
shit and if that leaves me with no friends then were we truly friends?

Since it seems I'm always the person that seems to supply with the
support and time and break my neck to help people out an really don't
get jack shit back, time that shit comes to a end and start looking
out for me.

There are certain people that I will still look out for, and will
always look out for no matter what an they know this but some people
think there in the circle but I'm just being nice to not upset other
peoples relailtionships but there will come a day for those people
when they will realize what side they stand and they maybe shocked.
But oh well my fault you suck at knowing who's playing you like a fool.

whirlwind

wow what and interesting month this has been, I don't even know where to begin. Let's just say I have been to vegas 2 twice this month back to back weekends, los angeles once and mexico once!!!!

So needless to say my body has been thru a lot,and unfortunetly I caught a case of pnuemonia. But I am all better now. Yay!!
Now I have just realized that my grandparents anniversary is going to push my move back alittle since it would be rough starting a new job and requesting time off, so looks like I'll be moving mid july.
So I have decided I'm going to put my bartending knowledge to use since it seems like I'll be doing that as my job in nyc,so a we get closer to the move 5 months thing are starting to become more real. It makes the heart race alittle faster, the palms get alittle clamy. So now the big worry is finding an apartment that we can call home for a long time. After we find a new place thing should settle down and we should be good for a very long time.
I'll try to update more often but well see what time allows hopefully this post finds everyone in good health and prosperity in these rough time...keep you heads up.

BB King

Its been a long time....

Oh wow its been almost an year since my last post and a lot in my life has changed let's get reaquanted.

Ok well to begin with I got a new job after my last blog now I'm at a mortgage servicing company...its a good job it pays the bills. Well after that I kinda stayed stagnent for a while.

Until about febuary of this year I decided I needed to move out from my grand parents. Don't get me wrong I love my grandpa and grandma they are great and they have been supportive in what ever I have ever wanted to do they basiclly shaped me as a person...but so did other people...I decided to move in with my cousions joe and nat. And it has been a new experience every couple of day. I've found out a lot about myself and what I can do as a person. Its been an amazing experiance.

Well then I turned the big 21 which in and of itself was an awsome experiance, which like most everyone else I got completly hammered and can't remember much from that whole week. But then after that everything has been very blah the norm not really doing much just work,home,sleep and repeat except for the occasions when I will go out to a bar/club.

Then one day while sitting in my cube at work(just as I'm doing now) it hit me I need to get out of colorado. I need to move I've just been here spinning my wheels not doing much productive. So I decided to go back to my birthplace NYC. Its gonna be an awsome new experiance, and I have already found a school that I am very interested in attending for my sport managment. And it has come to me as a surprise on how much support my family has given me for the move.

So roughly around this time next year me and my compi(joe) will be on the road to nyc.

Well I think that's enough for today(gotta get back to work) and I will make it a habbit to post more often a lot shorter I gaurentee.

TRUST

Trust, it is one word everyone talks about but some people just belive its their given right since they are walking this earth that they deserve everyones trust. Well god damn then I should be the poster boy for TRUST but unfortunetly that aint real.

What is real is that their are some people in this world that you can trust and some people that you say you trust but in the back of you mind in the most darkest hidden part of your brain you are like shit I cant Trust this person with shit but since this world has become so obsessed all the superfical stuff that people have that they dont care what the Person is for the Person but more for the possesion that they have and what they dont have or what that certain person can help you do "use" for.

Aint that a Bitch cause I have found recently that I have been characterized by people that I Trusted or use to Trust that I am a easy push over can be taken for granted well if your reading this you know who you are,cause shit gets around.This isnt directed exactly at one person but a couple of people that I have heard and kinda have had the felling that they might have said but since I consider I had their Trust like they had mine, and just turned a deaf ear to eat but god, you can only hear the same thing so many time before your like damn what the hell and when you try to contact these people all you get is NOTHING, and to belive i thought these people that I could consider these people family,brothers,sisters that I would of taken a bullet for them, and I guess it is like they say it doesnt hurt when you know some is talking shit about but when you dont see it, it hurts the most, and I am not one to hold a grudge but their are some shit that you just cant let go.Well Trust has been something that I know or thought I knew people still belive in, I know that their are some people out their that are thinking is he talking about "ME" well if that thought crosses your mind then case in point were is the Trust cause if you Trust me I am one of the most loyal friends and family members out their and the Trust is their on my side.

Well I hope everyone takes a secound to see if the people that they surround themselves with are people they truely Trust or do you have not?

Well hope everyone enjoys who reads this just had to get some stuff out their.

Very interesting

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