Black hole

So as of about 5 months ago life was fine, everyday was the same wake up go to work with the grandpa and come home. Then one day that all changed I was in charge grandpa was home sick with a cold "cold". Later that was diagnosed as leukemia. Then the sudden realization of your father figure having cancer as the only person in your life who has always been there and showed you how to be a man being bed ridden and ill, after seeing for 23 yrs day after day seeing him be the MAN of the house and the one everyone in the family loved and cares about. IT feels like I just got sucker punched in the gut cant catch my breath everything is happening so fast.

Trying to fill those shoes when Im no where near the man he is, the pressure the amount of stress, I now know why my grandpa had done the things he had done in his life it just makes our bond stronger. I see why alcohol was a release for him, from the pressure of the countless of people that were trying to suck him dry when he was doing well and him trying to compesate cause he is the nice one in the family, always making sure everyone is taken care of. What ever you need Don Tono will take of it and make sure you are welcomed and feel at home.

But what I have realized during this change in situation is that even though my grandpa has done so much for so many people during his life and during this time when the people he has employed given money too and always been a positive re-enforcement and been a so called "father figure" and other kind words those people are no where to be found. It just makes someone like myself realize when some one tells me that I am just like my grandfather i have to realize, yeah we are both very nice to the people we care about and we both enjoy having a drink or six but one thing i have learned is that sometimes when shit hits the fan the only people you can truly count on are the people that you have in your close circle everyone else will just fade away, cause you are no longer able to help them.

As my last words on this blog post I dont care, the old me is gone forever. The caring of what other people think is gone, the worrying if what I am doing is right is gone, I used to care what but what I have learned is that caring only leaves you open to looking like a fool. And I aint no fool. New me, new outlook. This may sound very "selfish" but sometimes in this thing called life we all have to be a little selfish.